Fear in Uncertainty

Below is a letter I wrote to a friend who is also taking her prereqs to start her BSN program and I felt it was perfect to share as it explains exactly how I am feeling right now.

"I started taking A&P I at the community college on Sundays. I am doing surprisingly well and I am actually enjoying this memorization style of studying but it definitely is different. I think the whole "at a loss" feeling comes from many angles but for me its the thought of an entirely different career. I too have worked since I was 14 and I have had so many different jobs its crazy but yet I always find myself in the same type of role. If I go through with this wholeheartedly and leap in . . .. I will end up in a new place that will provide many different opportunities but it will be completely new. I can't just fall back to "what I know how to do well."

I am currently working part time because this job market is horrendous. I had 3 part time jobs in January just to pay bills and live a certain lifestyle ---- of which I have no idea what that is. lol. When I talk to people who are in marketing and do enjoy their office life . . . I feel at an even bigger loss and disadvantage because they just don't get that although I am good at what I do, I don't feel like I fit in.

A couple of things I have learned about myself is . . . I AM A HANDS ON person. I never thought I was but I very much enjoy DOING more than conceptualizing. I ENJOY WORKING WITH PEOPLE . . .less in a sales manner and more in a I WANT TO HELP YOU BE BETTER manner. AND I am smart. The last one was hard to understand . . .. EVEN AT 29. I always put myself in the "I am hardworking" category and never gave myself the credit that I am smart person. Could you imagine? It feels good and I feel confident going through class with this new found wisdom about myself.

I told my friend the other day that I would like to have a mentor. Someone who is in the Health Science field who did something completely different once. Someone who would understand the fear, excitement, and complete loss of jumping into a different career. I am still looking for that person. I can't wait to find him/her. I know I'm not the first person to do this. Just googling online I found many RN's who are also MBAs. But sometimes I feel like the perpetual student and wonder if I will ever find true happiness in a career. Will I EVER love my job? Will I EVER find a career path that would lead me to the things I want in life vs. dead ends.

Those are my thoughts.

However, I am SOOOOO PROUD of you and LOOK UP TO YOU TOO. You just jumped right in and didn't hesitate. That takes guts missy. I just couldn't do it. I had to feel it out. I feel like I've had too many missteps in life by JUMPING IN. Needless to say, I AM SCARED!

I'm definitely taking it slow. Hoping to save up some money for living expenses as I finish my pre requisites. I would hate to put all the expenses of this apartment solely on the man. If all goes well, I hope to enroll in an Accelerated BSN program in 2013."

Exams and more

So I am back to taking exams. I did so well on my last lab test and I am kicking my butt trying to study as hard as I can for my lecture exam but I must say, this isn't easy at 29.

I am tired and working two part-time jobs and attending school isn't easy when you are no longer a kid. In undergrad, I was able to hold down multiple jobs and take 18 credits but now my body shuts down at 11pm.

I literally can't function. I've begun drinking coffee again and I hate it but I have no choice. This school thing is EXHAUSTING.

BE FOREWARNED . . . this is a rough road ahead