Fear in Uncertainty

Below is a letter I wrote to a friend who is also taking her prereqs to start her BSN program and I felt it was perfect to share as it explains exactly how I am feeling right now.

"I started taking A&P I at the community college on Sundays. I am doing surprisingly well and I am actually enjoying this memorization style of studying but it definitely is different. I think the whole "at a loss" feeling comes from many angles but for me its the thought of an entirely different career. I too have worked since I was 14 and I have had so many different jobs its crazy but yet I always find myself in the same type of role. If I go through with this wholeheartedly and leap in . . .. I will end up in a new place that will provide many different opportunities but it will be completely new. I can't just fall back to "what I know how to do well."

I am currently working part time because this job market is horrendous. I had 3 part time jobs in January just to pay bills and live a certain lifestyle ---- of which I have no idea what that is. lol. When I talk to people who are in marketing and do enjoy their office life . . . I feel at an even bigger loss and disadvantage because they just don't get that although I am good at what I do, I don't feel like I fit in.

A couple of things I have learned about myself is . . . I AM A HANDS ON person. I never thought I was but I very much enjoy DOING more than conceptualizing. I ENJOY WORKING WITH PEOPLE . . .less in a sales manner and more in a I WANT TO HELP YOU BE BETTER manner. AND I am smart. The last one was hard to understand . . .. EVEN AT 29. I always put myself in the "I am hardworking" category and never gave myself the credit that I am smart person. Could you imagine? It feels good and I feel confident going through class with this new found wisdom about myself.

I told my friend the other day that I would like to have a mentor. Someone who is in the Health Science field who did something completely different once. Someone who would understand the fear, excitement, and complete loss of jumping into a different career. I am still looking for that person. I can't wait to find him/her. I know I'm not the first person to do this. Just googling online I found many RN's who are also MBAs. But sometimes I feel like the perpetual student and wonder if I will ever find true happiness in a career. Will I EVER love my job? Will I EVER find a career path that would lead me to the things I want in life vs. dead ends.

Those are my thoughts.

However, I am SOOOOO PROUD of you and LOOK UP TO YOU TOO. You just jumped right in and didn't hesitate. That takes guts missy. I just couldn't do it. I had to feel it out. I feel like I've had too many missteps in life by JUMPING IN. Needless to say, I AM SCARED!

I'm definitely taking it slow. Hoping to save up some money for living expenses as I finish my pre requisites. I would hate to put all the expenses of this apartment solely on the man. If all goes well, I hope to enroll in an Accelerated BSN program in 2013."

Exams and more

So I am back to taking exams. I did so well on my last lab test and I am kicking my butt trying to study as hard as I can for my lecture exam but I must say, this isn't easy at 29.

I am tired and working two part-time jobs and attending school isn't easy when you are no longer a kid. In undergrad, I was able to hold down multiple jobs and take 18 credits but now my body shuts down at 11pm.

I literally can't function. I've begun drinking coffee again and I hate it but I have no choice. This school thing is EXHAUSTING.

BE FOREWARNED . . . this is a rough road ahead

First class today

Today, I walked into my first class of what could potentially be the rest of my life . . . Anatomy and Physiology I (Lecture and Lab). About five hours of class in a day to allow myself to go to school without disrupting my work life.

I was thankful when I saw 39 other people in the class with me on a Sunday at noon. That was a huge relief. At one point last night, I had this dream that I would be the only one there. The professor was awesome. She started us off with the very simple lesson of "what is an atom?" That immediately refreshed my memory and helped me tap into some knowledge sitting in the back of my brain collecting dust. It looks like everyone else in the class is going into some type of health profession. The age range was broad as well and not everyone is a matriculated student.

I certainly didn't feel awkward. I will say, that my studying for the ACE Personal Training Certification helped me a lot because I at least have a broad understanding about everything the professor will cover over the semester. Now, I just have to get into specifics which will be the hard part.

I decided to take one class this semester to ease myself into school again and I am so happy I did. Science doesn't come naturally to me. I love to learn about the human body and the systems but my brain shuts off at times when things get really complicated. Taking one class will allow me to focus on the topic and avoid feeling overwhelmed. Of course, I'm also working three jobs so this won't be an easy task but not taking Chemistry this semester along with A&P I, is helpful. I'll be taking 6 exams in the lab portion of the class and 6 exams in the lecture so I am sure I'll have a lot to write about as I go through it all.

Regardless of all the unknowns, learning a new topic is exciting and I'm going to continue taking baby steps. It's the best I can do.

For those considering joining me in this journey, a nursing friend of mine mentioned a forum website I should check out. Nursing World. Check it out for more information on the nursing field.